It has been nine years but it feels like just the other day when I got married. It has been a terrific journey so far. From being a carefree girl to being a mother of two, that’s quite a transformation I have gone through.
Sometimes when I just sit back and wonder what have I done in all these years, what have I done to myself, what has happened to my once blooming career, what have I earned in all these years, have I wasted all these years not working ??!! There is a voice inside my head saying ‘Don’t worry my dear, you have not lost anything. You have earned a beautiful family!!’
I was in two minds. It was a difficult decision to make, but I had to. I reasoned with myself. Why have I given birth to this child, just to complete the family or to be taken care of by maids? Doesn’t she owe the very best of my time? Who doesn’t need a mother? A mother is the most precious possession a child can ever have (don’t we all turn to our mothers even as adults in face of any difficulty), then why am I thinking of robbing her of it? A mother is the most important part of a child’s initial years. I wanted to be there in my children’s foundation years. I wanted them to be emotionally safe and secure, generous and compassionate human beings and not turn into harsh, self-centered adults. If one wants to turn a blind eye towards it all, one can, but yes, a child’s initial years do play a major role in forming their personalities, future potential and attitude towards life. Moreover, I wanted to live their childhood, give them lots of love and attention with no conditions attached; for it is short enough, once it is gone, it is gone forever. And what am I bothering about? Work? I did not prefer to live under constant pressure between maintaining a healthy lifestyle, giving time to kids and performing well at work. I thought I could re-establish my career once my kids were a little grown up. I could always chase my dreams, pursue my interests and work and earn but the same would not be true with respect to nurturing a family.
It is then that I realized that life always gives you choices and few years back I made my choice. Getting married at 24, planning family pretty soon and deciding to give my full time to them, refusing to leave them to maids or crèches, putting my financial independence at stake, all were the choices I made.
Raising a family is an emotionally and physically challenging job and I can say that only after having experienced it. Now at 33, I wonder what kind of energy I had at that time. Carrying both of them, waking up nights, chasing them, feeding them seems a fairly difficult task. Even the thought of it all gives me goosebumps. I don’t feel as energetic as I used to be. I guess there is a right time for everything. Losing my father to age in my adolescent years, how I wished we could spend some more years together, why he didn’t have us earlier in his life and a lot many things difficult to enlist left me to do a lot of synthesis. It’s the family that’s all one wants in the end which no amount of money or other worldly achievements can fulfill.
Two adorable kids and a beautiful family to look back on, the warmth and giggles, bonding which we all share with each other, I know, is going to survive through the thick and thin of life! Taking a break has been worth it! It has all been worth it!
Just a cross check, would this all have been possible had I been a full-time working mom. The answer is No! Probably, I would not have had a second child. The values, the bonding, the emotional security that the kids now have would not have been there. Today, I am a content and guilt-free mother! This feeling would not have been there. I won't have to live with the feeling of guilt haunting me for the rest of my life!